I’ve been debating writing a blog for awhile now, but the fact I didn’t do too well in Language Arts has been holding me back. Please bear with me.
Everywhere you look on social media, people are posting the highlights of their life. No one wants you to see them at their lows and that can be dangerous. Around 4 years ago I started pursuing photography. Before that I was getting ready to graduate high school and all my best friends were going off to college. I assumed I should do the same thing so I did, then dropped out 6 months later. After that I dove into creating. I would lock myself in my room for hours and watch all the informative videos I could on YouTube. I wanted to be the best. Looking at it now, that sounds so dumb. All I wanted to do was prove to myself and my family that I could make it, and I did (depends on what your perception of making it is, but I was happy.) I started touring with musicians and documenting their lives on the road and I loved it. I ended up going on 7 different tours, visiting 39 different states and 11 different countries. That was a big deal for me, coming from a kid that barely left his hometown growing up. All of this because I decided to pick up a camera and teach myself online.
In modern day society it’s looked down upon to not attend college. It’s becoming more acceptable but for awhile it was automatically looked down on. I felt the need to prove myself and make a living off of just my camera. I’d have conversations with random people that I haven’t seen in awhile and they’d try to convince me why I needed to go to school. That wasn’t me. I’m not discrediting at all, some jobs and degrees you absolutely need an education but for what I wanted to do I didn’t believe that.
After I started taking things more seriously, I hit a wall. I got depressed and for a long time I didn’t even realize it. A few jobs went by that I felt like I didn’t do well on, and my confidence dropped. I go on Instagram and see other photographers I looked up to doing incredible things. Posting the best photos and all I could think is “why can’t I be that good.” While I love photography, it’s dangerous. Comparison will kill you. Being in a Creative field can be dangerous. This past year was my worst yet. I posted a total of 4 times, amounting to taking photos once every three months. Everyday I’d compare myself to others and was wondering why I wasn't as successful as them. It’s so easy to get in your head when you’re competing against other people that are putting in so much more time than you. With all of these happening, I put down the camera for awhile and went back to the job I originally quit to pursue photography. I felt like a failure.
I noticed myself starting to feel less and less over time. I didn’t confront it and just thought it’d pass. Things I’ve always wanted to do and places I always wanted to see, and I just didn’t feel as excited as I thought. This sense of self doubt leaked into my personal life, and after over a year I’m just now realizing it. I never connected the dots. The same way I was comparing myself to others in my work, I was doing the same in my personal life. I started distancing myself from my closest friends and I buried myself. I was losing patience with those I love the most, and that was unfair to them. I was self conscious, depressed, and I weighed the most I ever have. I’d try to distract myself from how I was really feeling in anyway I could.
I’ve always tried my best to be as transparent as possible on social media. In an atmosphere where everyones lives seem perfect, I believe mental health needs to be talked about more. I know how tempting it is to get caught up in posting your best moments online for everyone to see hoping they’d think you’re cool. I’m not happy about it but I’ve been there. I know my grammar and punctuation is lacking but I felt the need to write this. I hope it helps someone. To those of you in a creative field, take care of yourself, it’s important. I wish I would’ve realized it sooner.